What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
