She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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