He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
