Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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