i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
