i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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