I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
