Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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