im drinking this country out of the recession.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
