You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I love you.
Bad choice
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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