she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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