i just sent this text using only my big toe
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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