im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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