So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
