Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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