my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
