In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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