i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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