I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
