U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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