now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
