i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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