I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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