I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
