When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
