My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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