Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
