my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Randomize
