did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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