I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
