shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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