why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
