i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
