I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
