im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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