Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
