if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
