We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
