I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
