phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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