I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
