I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
