i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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