I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
