he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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