If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
