Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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