im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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