Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
