Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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