i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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